People who've called and been unable to reach me due to my phone being on silent mode, and their immediate (unrelated)(?) fates

My uncle Reg - bought a ticket to the Cayman Islands, pensively traced infinity signs in a plate of mofongo

Ray Winstone - starred in "44 Inch Chest"

My old KFC boss - crossed my name off a list of eight, disassembled, cleaned and reassembled his Heckler & Koch HK416 assault rifle, picked up the phone again

Mike Reno, lead singer of Loverboy - grinned triumphantly at my uncle Reg, continued massaging his feet

Jerry Lee Lewis - married his cousin

Frank Fleer, inventor of bubble gum - invented bubble gum

Walter Diemer, Fleer accountant who perfected Dubble Bubble and forever associated bubble gum with the colour pink - drummed with Shellac at the ATP Festival in a Todd Trainer wig

Some asshole at the ATP Festival, during the Shellac show - tossed, with expert precision, a lemon wedge down the crack of my ass, which he was able to do because my ill-fitting pants displayed my "findibia" (the beginning of the crack of one's ass (just invented! patent pending!)) to the assembled rockers seated behind me, including said asshole, who for some insane reason had my phone number (no he didn't, but what the hell he may as well have cause dude tossed that wedge from fifteen feet)...!

A plate of mofongo - looked Lotan Baba up on Wikipedia, sang the chorus to "The Kid is Hot Tonight"

Bob Weston, bass guitarist for Shellac and inventor of the Ford F150 - shot my uncle Reg in the heart

Bell mobility - left a message for me to call their customer service line, probably because I've renewed my credit card and they haven't been gettin' their due for a few months

Jimi Hendrix -